you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder if you’re doing something wrong, or if life is just hard?  That’s a question that’s been on my mind lately.  I can’t seem to catch a break.   I mean, sitting around playing video games all day is great, don’t get me wrong.  But not having work is starting to take it’s toll.   In fact, that’s an understatement.  The toll is taken and I’m broke. I have $500 dollars (and climbing) in credit card debt, I owe my parents money, I owe Melissa money from last summer, I need to buy a car, and loan payments are just around the corner.  Not to mention the fact that I can’t really provide for myself right now, which is emotionally taxing.

I remember early this year coming to the epiphany that I don’t really need God.  I mean, I need Him as a savior, of course, but my actual physical needs don’t really require his attention.  I’m beginning to wonder if I’m about to eat those words.  It seems that my focus of faith is heading in the direction of needing God to provide for me at an elemental level.

When I say my focus is heading in a new direction, that’s really a lie.  To be honest, my faith hasn’t had any direction in a long time; mostly because I haven’t payed much attention to it.  And so, I’m lead to wonder if God is trying to reach me.  The problem is, I don’t want to have a relationship with God just because I’m in need.  That tendency has plagued my spiritual life, and has made me hesitant to ask God for help.  I’m afraid that I’ll become spiritual for the duration of my need and then go back on it as soon as life is good again.  To me, I’d rather be poor and honest than rich and hypocritical.  The bible says be either hot or cold, not luke warm.  I sometimes wonder if it’s okay to just be cold.

I think at the end of the day my problem might be with humility:  I’m unable to be humble before God.  I can’t really explain why.  Maybe I’m angry or scared.  Maybe I don’t think God know what He’s doing.  Maybe a combination of all those things.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t.

I’m not sure if people actually read this blog.  I’m sure that folks take an occasional gander.  For those of you who stumble upon this entry, don’t comment on it.  I didn’t write this to get feedback or encouragement.  To be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote it…maybe it just helps me think…or maybe I’m bored.  In any case, if you really feel that you need to talk to me about what I wrote today, call me.  If you don’t have my number, then we’re not friends and you shouldn’t pretend to be one now.

Viva la vida.